To Leann from Leann - A Letter to Self for 2012 (and so on)

Dearest Leann,

Introspection is good for the soul.

Another year is fast approaching. Please try to calm yourself. Panicking will not lead to good results. Breathe and write down your thoughts.

First, how are you doing? If not good, I bet you know the reasons why. What are you going to do then? Are you still going to mope about the unchanging past? Are you still going to think about the schmuck who hurt you years ago - however occasionally? Like what you're doing now. You can either erase that particular line or not, but you won't because you'd be lying to yourself - and you're tired of doing this, right? It's not okay, but recurring thoughts are like prisoners waiting for their release, so do it - RELEASE. And just MOVE ON. If others can do it, YOU CAN TOO - after all he's a pathological liar who deceived you right from the start. You certainly don't want to ruin the rest of your life with and for a man like him, do you? You're just too proud to admit that someone fooled you after all that you've done.

What about your daughter's dad? You've learned your lessons with this one. I know you've forgiven him, but haven't forgotten what he's done - same thing with that schmuck. FORGIVE YOURSELF, Leann. You're as flawed as everyone else. You're also not immune from loving someone and getting stabbed in the end - it happens. 


However, set aside your yearning or search for a life partner for the meantime. COMPLETE YOURSELF FIRST. Never rely on another person for your happiness. A man will not do that for you. Remember that. If someone comes along and you two jive, well and good. If not, remind yourself that not having a lover or a romantic relationship doesn't make you less of a woman or a human being.

What about your friends? Leann, like your ex-whoevers, it's better to forget people who no longer  give a damn about you, including those college "friends" who have already kicked you out of their social circle because you have no use for them. You are not perfect, yes; but, that doesn't mean you're that wicked or so bad that you deserve to be treated like someone who didn't do any good for them. It's just sad that you have given much emotional investment in your "friendship" with them.  Hopefully, whenever they reminisce, they'd miss your friendship and how you cared for them even in your own humble ways. Just try to accept the fact that in this capitalist world what you have matters and that what you are unable to do and to provide defines who you are to other people. If you start looking at yourself as a "loser" based on other people's standards, then what is there for you to look forward to? Reality bites, indeed. But, it also allows you to either bite back or prove to these people that your life is way better without them in it. That's the best vengeance, the best way to redeem yourself by being knocked out of rejection. Certainly, they have also experienced and will experience rejections. They've already moved on, so better do the same.  

Look for other friends then. BE OPEN TO MORE AND BETTER POSSIBILITIES. You'll meet new people and one or two of them could turn out to be lifetime friends. A few friends are better than having many fake ones - and you don't have to please them like what you did with your past pals. STAY TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE - warts and all. If they're really your friends, whatever weakness you have they'd be able to embrace and forgive countless times because they've accepted you totally; otherwise, they weren't friends in the first place.

What other things are you supposed to do for the coming months and years? It's still uncertain if your kid will finally graduate from high school because some profit-loving Department of Education Secretary has opted to adopt the US K-12 system as if it's the best educational system in the world. He's supposed to be sensitive to the economic plight of Filipinos, but apparently he's not. He came from a university where students have to pay an astronomical tuition, what do you expect? Thing is, use the time to prepare your kid for those college exams.

There's also work. Look for more writing opportunities online. Also, take necessary steps towards achieving a PhD in the course you want. Look for a scholarship and pray that you'll secure it. At this time, you only have yourself to rely on to support your education. Your parents are too old for that now.

Speaking of parents, are you still planning to give them a pilgrimage? Where's your money for that? Nice to dream, eh? Make sure Israel's peaceful before forging on. And yes, travel within the Philippines. Go out of town with your kid. Save money for that. Traveling will make you both appreciate the beauty of your country. You already do, but most of the time you travel through pictures. Besides, you've been staying at home most of the time, working your butt off writing online. Mingle with people. Listen to your very few male friends who give a hoot about you. 

What about your health? Still struggling with your weight, right? Do your best to go back to being vegetarian as doing so before has made you lose unwanted pounds, made you wake up early on a regular basis even when you slept late, and made your skin look younger. There's always hope, my dear. And yes, EXERCISE. It's good not just for your body, but for your brain as well since you need that to function efficiently and nicely when you write. If you were able to do that before, you'd be able to do that again. You may hate discipline, honey, but that's what you need. DISCIPLINE. COMMITMENT. FOCUS. They are all essentially related. And those three are not just for you to lose weight, but for the other aspects of your life as well. You'll be doing yourself a great favor if you're able to lose those unwanted pounds. Listen to your daughter who already told you that she wants you to be healthy. You'll be inspiring her to do the same.

Also, there are many books in your shelf that await your undivided attention. Spare time to read them. Of course, don't expect to remember everything. Just read for your mind's sake. It's healthy. And yes, write poems again. Nurture your creative side always. You used to write poems in a minute or so, especially when you're blue, remember? 

RISE UP, Leann. YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR FAILURES. Remind yourself what Johnny Depp said in that interview - "You've got to do what's good for you." It's all in the mind. Happiness is all in the mind, not with what you don't have, not with your dreams. It's really all up to you. Love yourself well, but of course temper your selfishness. Remember that if you step on other people's toes as you follow your bliss, that's not self-love, that's greed. Change for the better, dear. YOU CAN DO IT.

Love and Godspeed,

Leann

PS

When you feel down or whatever, I suggest that you read this blog post over and over again. You only have one self, Leann. You better take good care of it because no one else will, not even your kid will do that for you. She's got a life of her own. If you end up as a single parent until whenever, ENJOY THE FREEDOM.